Getting over a breakup is one of the hardest things you can do.
Those rose-tinted glasses come on, and you can’t help but remember all the happy times you shared.
But what happens when you’re trying to get over someone that you were never actually in a relationship with to begin with?
Last week, we brought you datedreaming. This is when your mind starts running away with itself, and you imagine a life together with a person that you may have just had one great date with.
Now, we’re looking at what happens when those illusions finally get shattered.
Perhaps the second date was awful, or maybe you learn that always heartbreaking truth: he’s just not that into you.
Whatever happened, it’s not always easy to let go of the dream.
Anna Richards is a relationship expert and the founder of erotic platform, Frolicme. She says the first thing to remember is that fantasising about someone else is completely normal.
She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Our infatuation is our way of our brain giving us strong indicators that someone is hot. We move into a fantasy world blending our thoughts with non-fiction reality.’
And this is why it can be so hard to let go of the idea of someone.
Hayley Quinn, relationship expert from Match tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Even if you were never officially together – maybe it was just a situationships or a crushes – it can be easy to invest emotionally in the idea of who someone is, or their potential.
‘And even when getting to know the “real” them leads to disappointment, you can still wind up grieving for the possibility of what they represented.’
So how do we move past this? You need to give yourself a reality check.
Hayley explains: ‘You need to start to separate in your mind your idea about who they are, and how they actually showed up for you in real life. It may be that the start of getting to know them was amazing, and then afterwards your connection with them went rapidly downhill.
‘Instead of focusing on how they acted when you first met them, it’s time to realise that the real relationship is the one you have with them today.’
A good way to acknowledge this, is to put pen to paper.
‘Start by making a list of 10 reasons why you’re incompatible,’ continues Hayley.
‘It might be that they seem perfect, but what makes someone perfect for you as an individual, is how they interact with you. It’s no good having an imaginary partner who’s successful, attractive and fun, if they rarely reply to your suggestions to meet up.
‘Once you’ve realised the “real” relationship with them wasn’t as magical as those first dates and what’s going on in your head, but is in fact inconsistent today, it can be easier to let go.’
And Anna agrees it’s time to start thinking about you. She says: ‘Put your focus back on yourself, your intimate and personal needs, and how you want to be adored and loved.
‘That way, when the right person comes along, you’ll be ready and receptive as you won’t be emotionally preoccupied with someone who isn’t there for you.’
And if you’re tempted to chase – or give your crush another chance to become the person you’ve been dreaming about – the experts warn against it.
‘Remember that any relationship needs to be built from two sides,’ says Hayley. ‘It has to be 50/50 on effort, and it’s just not possible to create a relationship if that effort is one sided.
‘So instead of trying harder, or chasing, take a step back to really focus on your standards and what you need in a partner.
‘Once you have this clear, letting your imaginary relationship go will help you to free up your head space, and boost your self esteem, to the place that you can go out there and find the real world relationship that will make you happy.’
As Anna perfectly sums it up: ‘Unless someone reciprocates your love, they are merely an object of your affection.’
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